It's not just the most famous, but the most beloved editorial of all -beloved by readers, and especially beloved by editors. After all, they don't have to write another Christmas piece of their own every year - they can just slap Francis Church and Yes, Virginia» up there and go directly to the office party.

Now, as we mark this special occasion, I ask you not to grieve too much for a time when newspapers had the space - and the staff - to run seven editorials a day. For a time where people still believed, If you see it in the paper, it's so.»

And put aside for a moment the perfectly reasonable question, What's a Christmas editorial doing running in the middle of September?»

Instead, I ask you to join me in celebrating Virginia O'Hanlon, who wrote the letter, and Francis Church, who provided, not just the answer, but a valuable lesson for all of us in this business.

And that lesson is: You never know. You never know which of your efforts will grab people, and which of your words might be headed for immortality.

So, a toast to opinions that last: Yes, Virginia - and Yes, Francis Pharcellus Church - Happy 100th Anniversary!

(Background Information) Copyright 1997 Rick Horowitz All Rights Reserved

  Anger management...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take  it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out  on someone you don't know. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten  to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,  "Hello". 

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin  Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. 

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.  I had transposed  the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"  and hung up. 

I wrote his number down with the word 'ass! hole' next to it, and put it  in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or  had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'  calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this  is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if  you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and  slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. 

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had  patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting  for the spot.  The idiot ignored me. 

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his! car window - so, I wrote down his  number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had  his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,  too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is." 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" 

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the  car's parked right out in front." 

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my  speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it  used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my  black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start  saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right  now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying ! that I lived at  1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West  34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of  six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.!

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" 
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. 
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it - once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Subject: Little Johnny's at it again!

 Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born without ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."All I wanted to say was "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year".....

I ran it past the Legal Dept as per procedures and this is what came back.......

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. 

We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee. 

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:- 

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal. 

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of  the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain  jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until  the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. 

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under English Law.

Anyway - have a good one How To Become Australian

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. Wanting his own space, he buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on

>the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's arse (or bottom for you ladies).

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow's arse, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says (in his best Asian voice)
"Sorry sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit."Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, 
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." 
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Bunnings anymore either."Lawyers....

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyer's are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Oh my God" he screams.
"Where's my Rolex ?".In the spirit of Christmas??

14th December
Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear tree. 
What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.  
With deep affection,

Your ever loving Agnes.

15th December
My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtle doves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love, Agnes

16th December
Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

Your loving Agnes

17th December
Dear John
What can I say ? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes

18th December
My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love Agnes.

19th December
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you  think I can do with them all ? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours, Agnes

20th December
What is it with you and these fucking birds ? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place ! Is it some sort of god damned joke ? The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these fucking birds !!!

Agnes.

21st December
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking ? Its not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long. FUCK OFF !!!!!!!

Agnes.

22nd December
Look dick head - what are you on ??? You mentalist. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play.... When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds !!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

Agnes.

23rd December
You are a fucking bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows cant sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation. FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!

24th December
Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied - you bastard. Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

25th December
You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve fucking drummers, banging their fucking drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids ? They've probably drowned in the cow shit byn ow. The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!

Big hairy bollocks to you,  Agnes.This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize. Christmas with Louise as a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before

Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do! ?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would park, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?", Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang ! on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house. Think outside the square !!!

HOW MANY DO YOU GET RIGHT!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Reece what is your problem?" Reece answered,
"I'm  too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Reece to the principal's office.
While Reece waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Reece was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Reece: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Reece: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Reece can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Reece both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Reece, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Reece replied, "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Reece: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Reece: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Reece was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Reece: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Reece: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Reece: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Reece: Tent

 Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Reece: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Reece: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Reece: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Reece: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Reece  in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They've set up their tent, and they have fallen asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, saying "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars Kemo Sabi."
 "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto you dickhead, someone has stolen our tent."Santa's Xmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That
I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
" The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, poured himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
Then a box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pairs of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. 
As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says
"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra."
He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower
and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have
to keep using your girdle."
Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.
The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife
grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I
wouldn't have to keep using your brother."Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
Kennedy was elected into congress in 1946

Lincoln was elected President in 1860
Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights

Both wives lost a child while living in the White House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head

Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by a Southerner
Both were succeeded by Southerners

Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are made of fifteen letters

Booth ran from a theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials

And last but not least:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe !!!Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,
"Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, 
so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, 
"I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"Words With Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.....Playing cricket without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.....Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n
Female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.....A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n
Female...The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.....Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.....A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 5 minutesLEAST WE FORGET...." THE STRANGER

There was a man at Christmas time who looked so out of place, As people rushed about him at a hurried sort of pace. He stared at all the Christmas lights, the tinsel everywhere. The shopping center Santa Claus' with children gathered near.

The music from a stereo was playing loud and clear, Of Santa Claus' and snowmen and a funny-nosed reindeer. He heard the people talk about the good times on the way, Of parties, fun, and food galore and gifts exchanged that day.

"I'd like to know what's going on," the man was heard to say, "There seems to be some sort of celebration on the way. And would you tell me who this is all dressed in red and white? And why are children asking him about a special night?" The answer came in disbelief, "I can't believe my ears! I can't believe you do not know that Christmas time is here! The time when Santa comes around with gifts for girls and boys. When they're asleep on Christmas eve, he brings them books and toys!"

"The man you see in red and white is Santa Claus so sly. The children love his joyful laugh and the twinkle in his eye. They learn to love this jolly man while they are still quite small. When Christmas comes, he is the most important one of all!"

The stranger hung His head in shame, he looked at nail-pierced hands. His body shook in disbelief, t'was not as He had planned. A shadow crossed His stricken face, His voice was low but clear. "After all these years they still don't know." 
And Jesus shed a tearCHOOSING HYMNS

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money, and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."The Perfect Husband
 There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: 
"Hello?"  
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club? 
"Yes. 
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" 
"What's the price?" 
"Only $1,500.00" 
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."  
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. 
I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" 
"Only $60,000..." 
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
 "Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"  
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. 
It's on sale!
! Remember? 
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." 
"How much are they asking?" 
 "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." 
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" 
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!!
I love you!!!"  - 
"Bye... I do too...
"The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:" 
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"Santa's at it again !!! (o:
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. 
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. 
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. 
This stressed Santa even more. 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,  heaven knows where. 
More Stress. 
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. 
Totally frustrated,  Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went  to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. 
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. 
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?" 
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the  Christmas tree !!!A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and having a little kiss here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. 
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"What is Love?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" 
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.     

See what you think: -

 "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
 "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings." "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
 "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
 "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"There are two kinds of love Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.:"
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
 "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
(I saved the best two until last.)
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."Safe Sex
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh I see." replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
Cool!" says the boy. 
He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
Those are for college men." the dad answers, 
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
WOW!" exclaimed the boy; 
"Then who uses THESE ?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. 
One for January, one for February, one for March........"If major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. 
Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good
M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

Dunlop Condoms: Stick with Dunlop
Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
TAC Condoms: Speed kills
Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
Ericsson Condoms: Smaller
Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
TAG HEUER Condoms: Don't crack under pressure
Calvin Klein Condoms: Obsession for Men, Eternity for Women
FOSSIL Condoms: It's about time
Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
Red Rooster Condoms: The Chicken is Ready!
Weet Bix Condoms: Aussie Kids....(hey isn't it KIWI kids?)I thought this forward was actually worth sending.

I've learned- 
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. 
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. 
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned- 
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. 
Send this to all the people YOU

BELIEVE IN...

I just did. Imagine this happening to you. 
What would you do?
One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying sub-machine guns. 
One of the men proclaimed, 
"Anyone willing to die for Christ remain where you are."
Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. 
Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20.
The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. 
Now you may begin your service. 
Have a nice day!"
And the two men turned and walked out.

Too deep not to pass on...
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God ....and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say... but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven...provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.
Or is it scary?
Funny how someone can say "I believe in God"...but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire...but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace...but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Funny, isn't it?
Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday...but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.
Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

Are you thinking? Stupid

1. I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

2. I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

3. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that convenience store would have a battery for it?" "Hmmm, I dunno, but let me see your key ring for a second." As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

4. Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

5. Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

6. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386. " He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thingy?, you know, the one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i?" ...and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

7. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and had then gone back to make himself a sandwich.

8. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. I instinctively tried the door handle on the passenger's side and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side...I'll have the driver's door open in just another couple of minutes."-

9. 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page.
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo that I didn't want anyone else to read, so I folded it in half so that only the recipient would open it and read it."Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. 
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. 
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. 
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. 
In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. 
Imagine his curiosity. 
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! 
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight.
Miss Bea brought in tea and cookies, they began to chat. 
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. 
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). 
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? 
I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. 
The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. 
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."The Chicken and the Horse
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends.
They lived in a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into quicksand. It rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend the chicken to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away.
He ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse.
It then hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. "Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it -
That's what friends are for!!"
They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. He followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in quicksand! The chicken was already up to his neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped.
The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken.
"Here, my friend, grab my penis and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.
The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life,  my friend!!"
And what is the moral of this story? ...
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur, would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was:  What do women really want?

Such a question would have perplexed even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody; the princess, the prostitutes, priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high as the witch was famous for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price; the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round table and Arthur's closest friend!
 Young Arthur was horrified, she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like a sewer and often made obscene noises.

He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and to have to endure such a burden. Gawain upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question. 

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.
The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd been a witch, half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self. And the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament. During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice

*

*

*

*

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of the story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if a woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch!!A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? 
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
" The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. 
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." 
"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. 
"I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. 
Frankly, you've not been much help so far.
" The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 
"Well," said the woman,
"You don't know where you are or where you are going"
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."Be Yourself ! 
A man was complaining, "Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish 'switch me into my wife' she's got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is."  
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. 
Next morning the 'new woman' wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school and then had an argument with the kids. 
As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. 
He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. 
At 9:00 p.m. he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep. 
The next morning he prays to God once again, "Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please." 
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying, "Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant." If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer. (For God's sake, man! Are you listening?!?!)
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart the next time you're making love. send send send send send................
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.